Worthy

Where does your self-worth rest?

Do you find your value in:

            -Your career or the work that you do?

    -Your friendships with others? The amount you are liked by other people? Your relationship status?

            -Your performance?

            -Checking off milestones, goals, or checklists?

            – Meeting your expectations or the expectations of others?

            -Temporary things that will pass away?

I think that what we think about ourselves says a lot about where our hope and identity rests. As a social worker in-training if my hope rested in this world, in politics, in social justice movements, in people- I would be so sad and disappointed. If I believed and rested my hope in my own ability to make changes in people, systems, and institutions I would again be disappointed. While I believe that God has me here for a purpose and has led me to the social work field, He is the source, my hope, and anchor. I would not be optimistic, joyful, or at peace if my identity rested in things of this world. It is only through Him that I am able to experience these things genuinely and fully.

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal”- 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

If we put our worth in career what happens if God takes that away because you are putting its value higher than Him? If we care so much about what others think, whose voice will be loudest? Will what other people say dominate our thoughts and hearts or will God’s truth reign? Will you let the piercing words of a significant other or past relationship define what you believe about yourself? Will we allow not finishing a task list to define our day or being unproductive? Does God’s love change for you when you have a day devoted to rest rather than constant busyness where you have no time to listen to His voice?

I talk to so many people who struggle with self-esteem and will believe that they are failing or not doing well enough. First off, I would challenge you to define success for yourself. For so long in my own life I defined success by other people. I was class valedictorian, homecoming queen, voted most likely to succeed, and felt this pressure to be a doctor. As the years have gone by, I definitely catch myself in moments caring too much about what others think or trying way to hard to please others. God created me in a way where I love to serve and sometimes I have to question my heart. Am I doing this for someone to glorify or obey God or because I want them to be pleased with me or because I want God to be pleased with me? I think the biggest thing that has changed for me over the course of following God is where my purpose and identity rests which is certainly a work in progress. The voices of others are quieter and now I aim to care more about following God’s will for my life- whatever that might be. I want to be obedient to Him and follow His lead as I know His plans are always greater and better than my own. If God suddenly asks you to move to a distant country and drop your career and what you are doing to follow Him somewhere else, would you obey? Do you find worth and identity in the geographical place where you live?

Another aspect that I often hear about when talking about self-worth is appearance. I think that so many of us struggle with body-image issues at some point in our lives.  Maybe we gain weight at some point because of changes occurring in our lives. Maybe we lose weight in an unhealthy or unplanned way. Maybe the voices or comments of others about our bodies have become ingrained and are the voices we hear when we look at ourselves in the mirror.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”-Psalm 139:14

How can we honor God with our bodies? Do we treat them well? I believe that eating well, exercising, and maintaining healthy work-life balance is honoring to God as it shows that we respect what He has created. The thoughts we think about ourselves can reflect what we think of God’s creation, as we are part of it. I remember hiking up a mountain in Colorado and being brought to tears because of being in awe of God’s beauty that He created. How much more in awe He is of you, a live human being, precious and flawless in His eyes.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” Luke 15:20

I pray that we are able to understand God’s love more. That we are able to see the world, other people, and ourselves more through His eyes. That understanding more and more the heights and depths of God’s love leave us in awe and wonder.

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever? Amen.”- Ephesians 3:16-21

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them”-Genesis 1:27

If you believe Genesis 1:27 that you are created in God’s image and believe that God is worthy, you must rest in the truth that your value and identity is found in who He is and who He created you to be. In believing that He has you here for a purpose and loves and values you deeply and that that is enough. Let us be filled to the measure of the fullness of God. You are deeply loved, fully known, and worthy because the God of this world is so worthy and you were made in His image. I pray that God’s love continues to transform our lives and that He shapes us to become more and more like Him- to see ourselves more with His eyes to help us to see and love others in this light as well. I pray that His love continues to transform this world and that more people are able to believe that they are so so loved and worthy.

Give it to Jesus and Let it Rest

Have you ever felt like you have so much to say? So much to where you don’t even know where to start? How you feel like you want to give a message to so many women; to encourage strength, boldness, assertiveness, power, wisdom, and love. How you don’t want women to feel fear but to feel empowered. To be able to confidently stand strong in what one deserves, how one should be treated, how one should be loved. How as a woman the Bible is your standard of what to look for.

To the gal struggling in a relationship you must trust it to Jesus. When we hold this relationship with an open hand to Him we are not idolizing it because we are allowing God to take it away easily if He wants to. When we idolize something in our hearts it is easier for the devil to lead us away from God. When you entrust the relationship to Jesus you can better discern God’s voice. When God is at the center, everything else in one’s life flows more easily, including your relationship if it is in God’s will. When you have questions, take them to Jesus. When you have worries take them to Jesus. Ask yourself whether your love-life resembles that of the Bible, if it consists of similar qualities. A healthy relationship should empower you to be a better person, it should help grow you, you should experience joy, and it should draw you closer to the Lord. If the relationship makes you question your true identity, causes you to feel less self-confident, makes you doubt your personal reality- please evaluate and ask yourself whether this relationship is glorifying the Lord and if the relationship is something that God would want for you, his precious daughter.

To the gal who is single and impatient it is worth it to wait for the Lord’s timing. Marriage is not something we want to rush into; especially if it means spending 60 plus years living with the person for the rest of our lives. It is not a commitment we should take lightly. 50% of people in America get a divorce, let’s not add to the poor statistics. Singleness is not a season to be wished away but a training ground. It can be a time to draw ever closer to our Father to experience His great love, to learn how to love others well. Waiting for the relationship in God’s will that He has blessed will be worth the wait.

To the gal who feels fear of ever trying again we must not be so hard on ourselves. Maybe God intended something for good but human error led to failure. Maybe the past relationship truly was not in God’s will. Whatever it is that has happened in the past, whatever hardships you have gone through it has shaped you into who you are today. Whether you experienced verbal, emotional, or physical abuse; cheating; lack of communication; lack of conflict resolution; conflicting personalities; disagreement; or maybe you thought you would be better as friends. Maybe you did not connect or were not attracted to each other. Maybe you have different values, spirituality, life goals and ambitions. Whatever it is do not fear, because God is with you. Through these past experiences God teaches us; He teaches us more about ourselves, more about others, and helps us learn more about Him in the process. Maybe God has used the experience to teach you more about His grace, His love, His faithfulness, His unchanging nature. God does not want us to fear because He wants us to trust Him; with every part of our lives and He will hold our hand each step of the way if we allow Him. We can trust that God has a good plan and that He is sovereign. What do we have to lose in human relationship if we still have God?

To the gal who wonders if she is called to singleness talk to Jesus about what you are feeling. God wants to hear it all, He cares about what is in the depths of our hearts and best of all He understands. We can be misunderstood by humans but God’s understanding is perfect. God wants to know if you are having a hard time because you desire a husband and family. God wants to know if you feel content, worried, fearful, joyful- whatever it is take it to God. Do we fear loneliness? Do we fear not having a companion to adventure with? Do we fear that God might send us on a crazy mission? Do we wonder if God will give us an answer that He wants us to be alone? Whatever hard questions you are wrestling with there is a person who understands best. Lets take those questions to Him in prayer with His will and mission for our lives in mind. Let us desire to do God’s will no matter what it is; no matter what He throws at us. If God’s will involves singleness, marriage, birth, adoption, foster-care- whatever that is let’s ask God- let’s seek to obey Him over our desires or personal plans.

Whatever it is give it to Jesus and let it rest. Wherever you are let’s seek peace with where Jesus has us now; let us be content in the present moment. Let us thank God for who He is. Let us thank God for what He has done in the past. Let us thank God for what He is doing right now in our lives and the lives of those around us. Let us thank God for what He is going to do in the future. Whatever it is that is hard and whatever you are wrestling with, the truth remains that God is still good. Through trials and struggles He is building our faith, building resiliency, strength, and perseverance. Know that whatever your age whether you are 18, 24, 32, 40- He is not done writing your story. He who began a good work in you will finish it to completion and you can have confidence that God has good in store. You can find rest in the fact that God has you on this Earth for a purpose. Cast all of your anxieties and troubles on Him for He cares for you. No matter where you are let us grow in truth and awe for the One who loves us perfectly. Let God in to the heaviness you are experiencing and let Him fill you with His truth. Just give it to Jesus and let it rest.

Praise to the father

While I believe it is important to give thanks often, Thanksgiving always tends to make me intentionally reflect. The first thought that came to my mind was “Praise to the Father” for all God has done and continues to do. Looking at the past few years, His faithfulness is so evident. While I have no clue what I’m doing on this earth and what will be next after this master’s degree, I’m not really worried. God will make my paths straight like He always does, even if there are a few curves and rollercoasters along the way.

I’m reminded of moments where His presence in my life was so evident. I think back to last fall when I was working at Walmart and thought there was no way possible I would be able to attend a fall retreat. I was a newer employee and always worked weekends with a very random schedule. Somehow, without requesting any days off I had the last two days off of one week, and the first two days off of the next, making my schedule align to where I had the four days off to attend- which was so crazy at the time, but a reassurance that God wanted me to go. At this retreat I was able to witness one of my friends get saved!! Anyways, wow He is so crazy good!

This past summer about a month before grad school was supposed to start I received an e-mail from financial aid saying that I was not eligible for any type of federal money. As a result of choosing to withdraw from the physical therapy program, even though I withdrew because it wasn’t the right fit not because of poor grades, my academic progress was deemed insufficient because of withdrawing. I was super panicked as I had been awarded a graduate assistantship and didn’t know if it would be affected. I was questioning how I would even be able to actually attend school again. The same day I got this news from the financial aid office I was meeting on videochat with my new small group leaders for the first time. I cried (what a great first impression hahahah), they prayed for me, and in the next few days all was well. Looking back, the fact that God granted me a graduate assistantship before getting this news about financial aid was crazy to me, because I had no idea that my financial aid would be affected. This reassured me that I was on the right path, that He truly wanted me to be in this program, and that He was working all things together for my good.

I think back to when I withdrew from the physical therapy program and was applying for every job under the sun because I just needed something to pay bills. I think I applied for over 15 jobs, and God made me wait for a while before anything happened. I remember being so confused at the time as to why I was not hearing back from server jobs because I had a decent amount of service experience. Now with Covid-19 I am so thankful that I didn’t get a server job. I’m reminded how He knows what is best for us. I’m reminded of my narrow and limited vision, how God can see so much further into the future than we can, and therefore knows just what we need.

I could probably go on and on about ways in which God has been faithful to me. He gives me so many reasons to praise Him, and I probably don’t praise Him as often or as much as I should. I forget, doubt, lack trust, and question. I am a sinner so in need of His love and grace. Last year, whenever I was feeling uncertainty about the future, a mentor would remind me of ways God had been faithful to me. She would challenge me to look at what He had already done, how far He had brought me. I struggle with wanting to serve God and be used by Him, but not having faith that He will use me in this place or where I am at. Sometimes I question why He has me in this place and what I am supposed to do here. When my sinful nature and doubts creep in, I’m reminded to cling to His faithfulness and give thanks. He has blessed me with more than I deserve and loves with a love so unique and wondrous. He reminds me of His intentionality and how He is in control- how He is the one with the pen writing the story- I am just along for the adventure. This Thanksgiving I’m reminded to praise Him for what was, what is, and what is to come. I’m thankful that He has given purpose and meaning to this life and I’m excited for whatever adventure He has planned next.

Love Thy Neighbor

I was reading Luke 10 and thinking a lot about the phrase “Love your neighbor as yourself”. I question why it is so hard for so many of us to love people who are different from us. Whether that is in regards to beliefs, or socioeconomic status, or race, and country of origin- differences so often seem to separate and divide people rather than bringing them closer together. God breaks my heart for my neighbors all the time. Whether it is the man and woman who came into Walmart while I was working to return items from their baby showers because their baby passed away. Whether it is the male who was a different race than me who wanted to make sure I marked his return item so people didn’t think he stole it. I assured him that he was fine, and he replied you wouldn’t know because you aren’t black. I’m sorry that this is a consideration you have when walking in a store- that you are worried about things I wouldn’t even think of. It shouldn’t be this way. To my current neighbors who argue and struggle providing for their families, my heart breaks for them. To the woman who shared with me how she came to the US because the drug cartel was after her daughter in Costa Rica, who left an otherwise great life to come here and struggle- but to you it was worth it for your daughter- I feel for you and if I was in your shoes I would do the same thing. To my friend at the soup kitchen who lives in Northeast Ohio winters with no heat but shared how even though he didn’t have much growing up his parents showed him love and that is what meant the most to him- thank you for teaching me the importance of showing love and how much of an impact it can have on people’s lives. The tears were flowing when running 2.23 miles for Ahmaud Arbery and watching the video of George Floyd’s murder. Despite all the feelings for others I have to ask myself how can I use these feelings to show love? How can I advocate for others? How can I use my privileges for the benefit of other people? It should never be about me and my personal glory, but for God’s glory and kingdom. More than ever I feel so ready to go into the field of social work, and to let God use me as an advocate for whomever He desires. I pray that out of this time God creates fire in people to seek justice, to seek change. I pray that He teaches me how to love the people he breaks my heart for- that I learn how to be a better neighbor. I pray that more people will desire diversity- that it more and more be seen as a beautiful thing. I pray that those in the world realize that they need you now more than ever. Let your kingdom be done on Earth as it is in heaven, help us to better emulate you and glorify you. Lead us to love, and let love overcome. Let us better love our neighbors as thyself.

Let Heaven Come

The past 6 months of my life since moving to Athens have been a bit of a roller coaster. First I started the Doctor of Physical Therapy Program and then realized it wasn’t what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Then the next task was to figure out what I was actually meant to do. I felt that perhaps God maybe used PT school as a way to lead me to this place, even if PT wasn’t the right fit. Otherwise I never would have ended up coming here if it wasn’t for the PT program. I felt like I was meant to stay in Athens, for reasons I do not yet know. I was also already in a lease and figured I would try to take classes in the fall and find a job. Fast forward and the Master’s Program I applied for only starts in the fall, and there were two classes I needed to take as pre-requisites that I didn’t already get in my bachelor’s. The getting into classes and finding a job stage took about a month and a half because it isn’t easy to find a job in the summer with most of the college students gone. I ended up getting hired in retail, where I have worked the past 4 months, and oh what an interesting experience that has been. Thanksgiving Day will be my last day working in retail, the busiest day of the year. This job has challenged me in a lot of ways, and while being thankful that God answered my prayers and provided for me in this way, the past months have been a bit of a struggle for me.

Normally I am a very joyful and optimistic person, but the past few months my mind has been very fixated on the brokenness of the world that we live in. I’ve witnessed people stealing, trying to walk out without paying for hundreds of dollars’ worth of merchandise. I’ve witnessed people be deceitful and creative in the way that they try to manipulate the system. I’ve witnessed people who had their baby die after having three different baby showers, trying to return the items that they no longer needed. I’ve seen people with government vouchers trying to completely restart their lives after serious domestic abuse or tragedies such as fires. I’ve witnessed so many people who are on food stamps and have trouble providing for daily needs for their families. I’ve witnessed people intentionally stealing while their kids are with them in the store. I’ve experienced a level of rudeness that I have never before experienced, with people treating you like you are nothing just because of where you work. I’ve witnessed a level of pride and entitlement, where people act like everyone else is below them, and don’t treat other people with any sense of dignity or respect. I’ve been yelled at, sworn at, ignored, verbally abused, criticized, been accused of profiling, the list can go on. I’ve witnessed a meanness to people I didn’t know existed. I’ve been frustrated by people being so rude and mean on Sundays when they are clearly dressed up as if they just came from church. Many of my coworkers probably never have any desire to step foot in a church because of the way they are treated by many churchgoers, who contradict everything Christianity represents when they are shopping post-Church, which agitates me to no end.  It baffles me how people can think it is okay to treat other human beings the way that they do. A lot of times customers will talk to me about sickness, death, or loneliness that they might be feeling.

So much of this has just made my heart break, seeing how much brokenness there is in the world we live in. It’s made me realize how much we need Jesus, how much I need Jesus. My mind jumps to the song Our Father by Bethel Music with the lyrics “Let Heaven come to earth, As it is in Heaven, Let Heaven come”.  In Athens I see so much hurt, bitterness, anger, hopelessness, poverty. I am just constantly thinking of how this is not how it is supposed to be. There is so much more to this life. We have a reason to rejoice and have hope. There are times where I think of the struggles that other people are facing, and I just want to cry for them and with them. But oh how glorious heaven will be, when all these hurts and struggles people experience will pass away and be gone. What a glorious day that will be!

When I think of what God has been doing in my life the past 6 months, it’s hard for me to really come up with words. I think in many ways He has been testing my faith in many aspects. He has provided me with a community, a place to live, a job, a new job that I will be starting soon, the ability to take classes this fall, opportunities to explore His creation which I had deeply missed this past year. I will likely be signing a lease for next year before knowing about grad school, which I am weirdly okay with. I’ve found myself missing my community from Kent a lot and realized that I am now very disconnected from most people, but I guess that is part of moving away in some aspects. I feel like through my job the past four months God has been preparing my heart for my future career. I am excited for starting a new job, for becoming more connected into community, for hopefully starting to volunteer regularly in the community which I have missed so dearly, for new adventures. I think of how when I graduated undergrad I had Isaiah 6:8 “Here I am, Send Me” on my graduation cap, and how different that is starting to look from what I had originally thought. Had I not started following Jesus I feel like I would probably be in med school right now following what I thought I was meant to do, which in reality was largely based on expectations of others. With God becoming the center though, my life has been becoming way different than I imagined, leading to paths I probably never would have chosen on my own. I do not know what tomorrow holds, or the next day, but I know that God will be with me every step of the way to guide me. This life is not what I thought it would be, but it’s an adventure worth being excited about, because it’s being led by the best guide out there.

Archives

Here is an archive of many of the articles I wrote during my time at H2O Kent as part of the story team!

 

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/171377093733/gazes-of-delight

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/170154389743/little-did-i-know

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/166041601528/the-undefined-road

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/159935633928/less-is-more

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/158676627303/god-is-good-all-the-time

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/158119315863/our-worth-is-secure

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/153785327543/glorifying-god-through-exercise

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/152421627778/he-is-faithful-i-know-that-full-well

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/148636344148/god-is-greater-than-my-fears

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/147548004078/running-into-the-arms-of-god

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/147043174428/kindness-shows-love

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/143737427563/first-year-of-college-a-transformation-of-faith

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/143016038688/god-created-you-beautiful

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/142348525603/how-i-saw-god-on-spring-break

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/141145696163/habits-of-happiness

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/140326682843/lent-reflections-what-is-god-asking-me-to-do

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/139914693983/reflections-and-reactions-to-h2os-weird-bible

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/138991071213/life-lessons-from-the-maltese-falcon

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/138147180383/weird-bible-loving-your-enemies

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/134721644278/a-night-to-remember

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/133587917038/a-season-of-thanks

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/132998777613/service-a-gift-from-above

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/131958207558/halloween-then-and-now

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/131162039693/life-groups-more-than-just-your-average-group

https://h2okent.tumblr.com/post/130276268948/ocean-tides-the-struggle-of-faith

 

 

 

 

Grace

Change- the act or instance of making or becoming different. Lately in my life there has been a lot of change. From moving to a new place, to starting grad school, to realizing I was not in the right grad school program, to planning on switching career paths, to looking for jobs, to not knowing anyone, to finding a new church, the list can keep going on. This time has been both nerve-racking and exciting and many of my insecurities have been coming to the surface. 

One of these insecurities is the desire to be known and loved. I have found myself trying to explain myself to people- to explain my past in the hopes that they can understand what type of person I am rather than just let them get to know me. I will tell myself lies that maybe this person doesn’t care to truly know me, which leads me to thinking in self-deprecating types of ways. Sometimes I can overthink little details and over-analyze situations causing me to say things I shouldn’t, which results in me trying to justify my actions. Another example is feeling like I must make people understand why I decided to withdraw from the physical therapy program and why I’m thinking of a different path. So much of this boils down to one of my sin-struggles of wanting to please people and be likeable. So much of my life I have lived in this state of trying to live up to other peoples perceived expectations, that in reality didn’t exist or if they did, they didn’t really matter. I’ve come to realize that living this way will never result in satisfaction, as it is a never-ending cycle. 

I like feeling secure, and one of the things that has come about through these changes is that I like to be in control. I am a Type A personality, and with that I like to have my future all planned out. Before that included staying in Athens for three years, getting my Doctorate of Physical Therapy degree, and then working. Even now I still try to hang on to any bit of control I can. While I can’t control whether I get hired or not, something I can control is the amount of jobs that I apply for. Each week I will just continue to apply for more jobs, because it helps me cling to this small feeling of having a little bit of control. I hate not-knowing things, and right now there isn’t a whole lot of knowns in my life. I’ve done the things that are in my control and now I just have to patient and trust in God, which is something I’m not good at doing.   

One of the reasons this time has been difficult for me is because I am not believing in the truth. I don’t need to try and please other people- this desire stemming from this soul question of wanting to feel known and loved- because God knows and loves me like no one else can. His love is enough for me, and all I will ever need. I don’t need to search for this from other people, as it will always lead to disappointment. Nobody on this earth is capable of loving like He can- and if this perfect love is available through Him then why am I seeking it from other sources? There is also no sense in trying to control my future, as my future is already in God’s hands. He knows what is in store for me, and I must trust that it is good.  Thank goodness for grace, because I sure as heck need it. I’ve had weird prideful moments come up recently that I have no idea where they came from as that’s not me, but I’ve been reminded that I’m just a speck of dust on this Earth. Despite being a speck of dust on this huge Earth He has reminded me that He loves me so much, and has given me grace for all these many ways I have sinned against Him and tried to do life on my own or sought things from other people that are already given perfectly through His love.  

I am in no means writing this to receive any form of sympathy, and in truth I don’t want it. I’m writing this and being real about my struggles to remind you that no matter how much you mess up or stray away from what is true God gives you grace for that and His love doesn’t waver for you. I’m sure it doesn’t exactly please Him when we stray away, but I feel like He is telling me that it brings Him great joy when we come back, just like the story of the prodigal son. Despite my perfectionist tendencies, I am a super imperfect person, and I fail at things, or do things out of wrong intentions sometimes. I have strayed away, but He welcomes me back with open arms! I definitely feel like He uses hard situations and areas of life full of unknowns to teach us and grow us, and I’m praying that He continues to teach me and grow me in this season of life, whatever it may hold. I am reminded that He is all that I need and the only one who will truly satisfy the desires of my heart.

My Own Worst Enemy

I could have done better.

I shouldn’t have made that mistake.

I knew that, why did I not remember?

Why am I so upset over this?

Why am I not happy?

What if I mess up?

What if I can’t handle it and am not capable?

Sometimes we are our own worst critics, and I am super guilty of that. I am guilty of holding myself to crazy standards, and then being so hard on myself when I don’t meet them. I’m not as bad now as when I was in high school, but I definitely haven’t broken the habit for good. It’s so easy to be joyful and optimistic on the outside, but in the inside be living in a state of fear, anxiousness, and worry. I question so many things, rather than just have faith and trust God with the process.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

My senior year of high school after I committed to Kent State I went to a Chemistry Scholarship reception where I was being awarded a scholarship as an incoming freshman. My mom and my high school chemistry teacher came along, as he was the one who recommended me for the scholarship. I remember feeling so intimidated afterwards. The people seemed so crazy smart and there were doctoral students presenting pieces of their research and I remember not understanding anything they were talking about. I questioned whether or not I could keep the gpa required for the scholarship, whether I would be able to handle being in the honors college, whether I would be able to get into (at the time) med school. I was so worried, and I remember my chemistry teacher telling me that I would be fine. Looking back I realize I was worried for nothing, and it is crazy how I worked myself up so much about it. I tend to overanalyze things, which doesn’t help my worried thoughts, as I can so easily let them consume me. I find myself going to the same kind of thoughts heading into DPT school. I know the thoughts probably aren’t rational, but it still doesn’t make them go away.

When I fall into these negative spirals, I am learning to focus on the truth.

Remembering that I am capable. Remembering that God has given me certain gifts to use, for His glory. Knowing that He wouldn’t put me in certain situations without purpose, if I wasn’t meant to be there. Trusting that if something is in His will, He will give me the right tools and help me succeed. He will give me strength, I am strong because of Him.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:28

During my sophomore year of college I remember being in a small group through my college church and one of the girls felt like I needed to be told that I was loved. It was random because I hadn’t really told her a lot, but she felt like God was speaking through her to tell me that. We wrote on a card other truths that we needed to hear and I remember taping it in the inside of my bible afterwards. Mine were:

I am loved

The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.

Deuteronomy 7: 7-9

I am worthy

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18:19

I am capable

In everything he did he had great success, because the Lord was with him.

1 Samuel 18:14

I am valuable

She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.

Proverbs 3:15

I think so often we make assumptions about people. We thing certain people have everything together or that their life must be perfect. We label people as unstable or stable, crazy, nice, or mean. We make labels for other people based on surface level things, but there is so much we don’t know. We don’t know what battles someone is fighting in their heads, or what their situation is like with family or friends or relationships. There are so many elements to a person’s life, and it is not in our place to judge them, as only God is all-knowing. I’m definitely guilty of judging too, especially when I waitress and someone is really mean or doesn’t leave a tip. Sometimes I wonder how someone can be so mean, but in reality I have no idea their situation and it is not right for me to judge. We have to give other people grace, and also give ourselves grace. I think of my reactions a lot and how they impact people. If I react with love and grace and treat people kindly even if they treat me poorly, it might not be easy, but it can only do good rather than harm. A few months ago I read Everybody Always by Bob Goff (amazing book by the way, highly recommend), and I remember him talking about how Love Always Wins. I think we can always do a better job at loving people. From our neighbors to parents to coworkers to classmates to strangers, we can always improve and do a better job.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

1 Peter 3: 3-4

Not only can we try to learn to love people better, but we also need to realize that God loves us, so much. He loves us when we are sad, angry, happy, worried, when we doubt, when we question. His love for us never wavers, He is for us always. He wants us to talk to Him, He cares about how we are feeling. He wants us to find our refuge in Him, because he cares so deeply for us. He knows we mess up, but He loves us anyways, He gives us grace. He is with us when we grieve, when we don’t understand what is going on, because all along He is the one who truly understands the big picture, and wants to be there to comfort us. Rather than be our own worst critic and let thoughts that aren’t from God consume us I pray that we remember His love and rest in truth. When we doubt or worry we must remember Gods love for us and trust Him. We must remember that we are valuable, capable, worthy, and most of all loved so deeply.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

1 Corinthians 16:13-14

Deliverance

After graduating from Kent State in the Spring I was looking forward to having a break but also dreading it at the same time. I was excited about going to Colorado for a second time, but everything was up in the air after that was done. I was nervous about applying to physical therapy school, nervous about where I would work, what it would be like being at home for the longest amount of time in 3 years, and my list of concerns/fears/worries could continue. I knew that after graduating undergrad early I needed more than 2 days break before starting grad school for my mental health, but I was nervous about having a whole year break, it scared me, because in retrospect it seemed so long.

Fast forward to now, I am super thankful for this time away from school. In deciding to delay applying by a year, God was 10 steps ahead of me. When I got home from Colorado my grandpa was in the hospital after having a heart attack and stroke from the summer and wasn’t doing well. Being at home allowed me to spend some time with him, which was emotionally so hard for my entire family. I remember being in tears after almost every visit, and I could barely hold it together while I was in his room. On Labor Day he spoke last words to much of my family and passed away a few days later. Then in October my other grandpa had a bad fall while in the nursing home and went to the hospital. Afterwards he was receiving physical therapy and seemed to be on the right track and doing well but then passed away a few days later unexpectedly. I never would have guessed that I would lose both grandpa’s in such a short period of time, but I am thankful that I was not in school when all of it happened. I am grateful to have gotten to spend time with them before they passed and to spend time with my family through the grieving process that is definitely still present for my family as we learn to live without these two great people in our lives.

I’m also super thankful that I have been going through the application process to PT school while not having many other commitments other than working, because it has been so time consuming. To writing so many essays, having to apply to more schools because I didn’t get accepted via early admission, to going on weekend trips to interviews, the process started in July and is still not over (but hopefully will be ending in the next two weeks). God knew that if I did all of this in undergrad I would have been too stressed, especially since I never missed class because I would feel too guilty and because I cared so much.

Throughout this whole application process I’ve been praying to God to close and open doors, to give me either red or green lights. Initially I really thought I was supposed to go to this one particular school and applied via early admission, but God gave that a hard red light, which left me disappointed. I then applied to a bunch of places via regular admission and God once again gave me another red light for that same place. There was another school that I interviewed at and really liked, I thought it would be an environment where I would thrive, but God closed that door, which really surprised me. I received an acceptance for a school pretty early on in the process, which was a relief, but it was also stressful for me because of the cost. Since those red lights, God has continued to bless me and give more green lights for places which has been such a relief and an answer to prayer. He continues to give me affirmation that physical therapy is the profession where I am meant to be. I know that God is going to give me more lights in the next week or so as schools are making decisions before they leave for Christmas break. As He gives more green lights I’m going to have to choose one to take soon, which is hard, but I know that He has placed them there for a reason, and there might not actually be a wrong one to take.

In conclusion this season has helped me realize just how intentional God is. I’ve known He is intentional, but it always continues to amaze me. I never knew exactly what I needed, but God knew way in advance, and had purpose behind all the things that were once scary or unknown to me. The past few months have been difficult, but God has shown me that He is always with me through everything, and he hears me. I’ve been learning to find peace because He has been opening and closing doors and showing me that He has me exactly where He wants me to be. He knows me and He knows what is best for me. I never would have guessed what these past four months would consist of, but I’m thankful that He has been with me and delivered me through it all. He is good.

Choosing Joy

PEACE. Lately I don’t think I have been at peace as often because of not living out of thankfulness. My mind jumped to the service learning trip I participated in on spring break in Nicaragua. The people I interacted with in the community of Los Fierros were some of the most joyful people I have ever met. Their priorities were God, their family, and friends. These people could be considered poor by monetary worldly standards but were rich in so many important ways. They were thankful for the little things; time spent with people they cared about, going to visit the river, sharing meals with one another, playing soccer in a field, the list could go on. When I was in Nicaragua I felt a sense of peace coming from these people that I had never before experienced. Their faith was strong, and they were confident that God would provide for them. They were taking life day by day and finding joy despite the circumstances they faced.

I am continually reminded that joy is a choice. We can choose to live in despair, dwelling on the past, with fear of the future, in a constant state of worry. Or we can choose joy, being thankful for what God has done, is doing, and will do in the future. I must wait with expectant hope, knowing that God will provide and be faithful to the plan He has for my life. Part of choosing to be joyful each day involves being thankful for the small blessings throughout the day. Whether it is getting to spend time outside with God sitting under a tree by the lake, waiting on customers who are super kind, enjoying the times of watching old TV shows with my mom, or going to apple orchards with friends there is always something to be thankful for.

“I am under vows to you, my God; I will present my thank offerings to you. For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life”

Psalm 56: 12-13

During this period of waiting it is easy to worry and fret about what the schools will say, easy to be anxious until December when I hear a decision. However, I can also look at the blessings that this period of waiting is resulting in. It is allowing me to work to save some money to provide costs for expenses I will soon face. It is allowing me to spend extra time with my family, as I haven’t seen them much the past three years while in college. It is allowing more time to spend with God and read some good books. It is allowing me to focus on my health more again, to go the gym and go for runs in God’s beautiful creation. It is allowing me time to experiment with trying new healthy recipes. It is allowing me time to just be, to not have to worry about so many obligations like I had during college. It is allowing me to recharge, to be mentally prepared for what is in store next.

Rather than let circumstances define me, I can give all of those circumstances to God and trust Him with them. Releasing the things that are not in my control will allow me to find peace in the present moment.  Joy and peace are not dependent on what will happen in the future. I can find those based on what Jesus has done on the cross for me, allowing me to have a relationship with God. I can be joyful because of the opportunity to live in the light rather than the darkness. Joyful because I am the daughter of a God who loves, a God who protects, a God who is faithful, a God where I can find rest, a God who hears my voice even if the world doesn’t, a God who cares, a God who is all-knowing, a God who is creative, a God who woos me with sunsets, a God who I can call a Father. He is with me, giving me all the reason to rejoice.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18